Penthouse Loft
Mike broadcasts live from his newfound "penthouse loft"— an elevator shaft mechanical room atop a parking garage at The Ohio State University’s medical campus. Considering his longtime fascination with elevators since childhood, this unconventional space has become a sanctuary of sorts, affording a comfortable and secure place to live during the cold nights of January in Columbus.
Tonight, I'm coming to you from what I've fashioned into my "penthouse loft."
Some of you who knew me as a child might remember my obsession with elevators. Maybe some of you can relate to this childhood fascination, but for me, the idea of stepping into one room and emerging in a totally different place was magical. As a kid, before you understand the mechanics, your imagination runs wild. I'm sure many of us thought of elevators as a form of teleporter. Of course, it's just a fancy box pulled vertically by a cable-pulley system.
When I was a kid, I used to collect books about how various mechanical devices work, enthralled by the cross-sectional views in those books - one example being the cross section of an elevator shaft. Most people don't see the mechanical parts of an elevator; we just step into the car, the door closes, we push a button, and we take it for granted that it takes us where we want to go, regardless of whether we're even aware of going up or down. One idea of the mysterious elevator that comes to mind is from Star Trek. Their elevators didn't just go vertically; they moved in other directions too.
Discovering a Secret Level
So, I'm broadcasting live from Columbus, Ohio, and I've given you some hints about my location. I'm basically in an elevator shaft mechanical room - above the elevator shaft of a decently tall building here in Columbus - one that is tall enough to require a cable-pulley hoisted elevator, as opposed to one atop a piston. From this little perch, I have a wonderful view of the medical campus of The Ohio State University.
I'm trying to be smart about this and keep the lighting low to prevent being caught. I don't have enough confidence in my multitasking to do this without attracting the attention of authorities, such as security or the elevator mechanic who left this door unlocked for me to wander into.
This reminds me of one of my favorite videos from February 2023, when I was stuck in Natchez, Mississippi. During that time, I managed to record an “Open Mike LIVE” episode from the presidential suite of the Grand Natchez Hotel. Some veterans of the show might remember that joyful and magical moment when I basically squatted in the nicest hotel room in that city. It was under renovation, so there were caveats, but nothing that stopped me from enjoying it for an entire night. I'm very thankful for that.
I have to admit, I feel similarly blessed now with discovering this wonderful little elevator control room. I found this gem during one of my more miserable nights here, when I was on the streets, late at night, and it was freezing outside.
It's quite common for me to spend my overnights in various parking garages throughout Columbus. Why not? There's so much vast, unused, idle space. Why would I stress over spending $1,500 a month when there are literally levels upon levels of idle space? Mind you, there's no kitchen or many amenities that would otherwise merit $1,500 a month, so it's not a completely free lunch. But it's something, and I'm appreciative of that. This is a climate-controlled room.
The only real hazard is that a security guard or maintenance guy could walk through that door at any moment. But honestly, I've been through enough encounters with law enforcement by now that I'm not really scared if security shows up. What's the worst they're going to do - give me a trespassing charge? They could try, but that would be a lot of effort, particularly the safety and liability aspects of explaining why the mechanic left the door unlocked. If push comes to shove, it's more of a pain for them than it is for me. That's why I don't care about doing a public live post from this undisclosed location, even though I've pretty much disclosed it in the last 20 minutes.
So for now, until we get "Parking Garage Karen" watching this video, I think I have a solid night in here to enjoy. And if Parking Garage Karen does find this video and starts her inevitable pursuit, or at least locks the door so I can't use this fine facility anymore, well, I guess that'll just help my hustle in terms of finding housing.
To be honest, I haven't really put a lot of effort into housing. I think a lot of you guys make a bigger deal out of my unhoused state than I think is really merited.
I'm not saying it's a picnic; all of us would rather have a dwelling of our own to hunker down and, if nothing else, just to get away from people.
Brief Glimpse of the Space
I'm going to turn all the lights on for just one moment and offer a quick glimpse of this beautiful space. There's our snapshot!
And with that comes the advantage of the beautiful light display below to reveal my exact whereabouts to Parking Garage Karen…
Bonus to me if we manage to get Parking Garage Karen in that door! That would scare the hell out of me but would make for good TV, if nothing else. What do I have to lose anymore?
Upsides of Being Unhoused
One nice thing about being unhoused and jobless at the moment is... if I was gainfully employed right now in my engineering field, working full-time in a role that required a background check or drug test, I don't think I'd have the guts to do something like this. First of all, I'd obviously have my own place, which would take away a lot of the necessity and motivation for going out and finding magical little spots like this.
Recalling my childhood, I loved games like hide-and-seek and "relievio," a variation of capture the flag. I'm also a passionate video game player, particularly those of the open-world genres.
One of my favorite video game series was Fallout. That started for me with Fallout 3, which was set in a post-nuclear version of Washington D.C. Fallout 4 was set in Boston, Massachusetts, and there was even a Fallout after that, set in rural West Virginia, not far from my hometown of Steubenville, I might add! Part of that game involves a lot of the same elements as those during my last couple years - wandering around a barren wasteland or an urban landscape, and scavenging things to survive.
Frankly, one reason I haven't really cared that much about being unhoused is that I'm always finding wonderful spaces like this. I just love the idea of Columbus being my video game setting. I love the notion of exploring the city - not for the hot tourist spots in the Short North, blithely spending $100+ at Gallery Hop every month, but for things like this.
I've always loved industrial spaces. As a utility worker, I work in a lot of utility control rooms that look very similar to this, with cabinets of electrical equipment and mechanical systems and heaters. I just love this stuff. Considering there’s a whole genre of people downtown who spend extra money to live in places that mimic industrial lofts, here I am in a real one, literally in the most quintessential form of industrial loft - an elevator control room. I'm thankful for whatever clumsy janitor or maintenance technician left that door open for me, or at least unlocked, and allowed me to find this beautiful space.
I'm not nefarious. As an engineer who has worked in maintaining spaces like this, I'm very sensitive to what the guys who inspect these things do, and I have no intention of tampering with any of this equipment.
My Code of Ethics on Squatting
My philosophy with squatting in places has always been very respectful. My goal is to always respect the land, just like with camping. In fact, I think the reason many homeless people get a bad reputation is that most folks don't take the time or consideration to respect the property on which they’re squatting or loitering. The unfortunate impression of our community is that we trash and defile other people's property. To be fair, based on my own experience living in a camp with other unhoused folks and getting my stuff stolen from my tent while I was asleep, who can blame them? This negative, hostile attitude that most people have towards the homeless community, I can't say it's unjustified, even though it's obnoxious when people try to lump me in that same bucket.
Here are my cardinal rules during this sabbatical of being unhoused and on the streets. So far, I'm proud to say that after almost two years unhoused in Columbus, I've adhered to each of these rules:
Respect the land you're on. Be aware that you're on somebody else's land without their consent or knowledge. Leave everything the way you found it, if nothing else, to not alert anybody that you were there, so perhaps they won't have their guard up next time or decide to lock the door in my case.
Don't leave a mess. This stems from Rule #1 above.
Remain out of sight.
Appear as least threatening as possible if you’re unable to maintain adherence to Rule #3 above. Most of the time, security personnel whose job it is to patrol places like this to ward off people like me, they're not bad people. They're just doing their job, and that's part of the cat and mouse game. I respect that their job depends on that; there's probably no personal feeling of ill will towards me. They're just doing their job; I'm just doing my job of surviving. Part of that job entails making their job as easy as possible, not involving kicking my ass or messing my stuff up. I play that dance a little bit. It's a fun little dance, and I don't think it's as complicated as people sometimes think it is.
At the end of the day, it's all about respect and doing no harm.
Wrapping Up
This is Facebook Live After Dark, so I'm going to take my clothes off. How about that? We're going to reward you guys who've stuck it out to the end with some "Hot Mic Live" action! That's to plug my personal collection of pornographic videos of myself, but that's only available on the private selection part of the site that you have to pay for. Mama can't be giving out her goodies for free, especially when HR is out there sniffing them out! HR, and Copyright Karen, and Landlord Susan, and everybody, even the manager of the Natchez hotel!
I actually had a drink with the manager of that hotel I squatted at last year, so there's actually a happy ending to that story! For some of you who remember Natchez, Mississippi, from last February, my incidental visit to that town felt like being the guest star on The Simpsons!
Every once in a while, one can hear the clicking and the whirring of the elevator when somebody uses it below me. It's kind of cool but also a little bit startling, because that same clicking noise also sounds like the door opening. Anyway, we'll see what happens. We'll see if Parking Garage Karen shows up…
Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time broadcasting here, because for all I know, Parking Garage Karen could have been watching this video the entire time, trying to gather clues to triangulate my position. So, before I get caught by Parking Garage Karen, I'm going to sign off here.
